I am NOT Freaking Mary Poppins!

Do you hear me?

A spoonful of sugar does not make the medicine go down.  I'm going to need a whole lot of booze just to make it through the potty training years. Me.  Not you.

The house does not magically clean itself.  No amount of singing is going to do it.  You have to actually pick up a toy and put it away.  That's what you have arms and legs for.

I do not have a bottomless bag from which all sorts of wondrous things come.  You need to go and play with the toys we already bought you.  Why do you think we bought them in the first place, to look pretty on your shelf floor?

There are just only so many games and activities I can think up for you to do. I can't magically pull something out of my ass the air every time you are bored and want to do something "special".  Floam IS special.  Live it.  Like it. Love it.

I do not have a cook and a maid to take care of the meals and clean the house so I can play with you 24/7.  Someone actually has to do those things so we have food to eat and clothes to wear and oh so those icky bugs you see on "How Clean is Your House" don't take up residence in our home.  Oh and guess who that someone is... me!

All of life lessons are not going to be followed by a catchy song and fancy footwork.  The earlier you learn this, the better.

You may think your father is like Bert the Chimney Sweep but trust me kiddos, he's never swept a chimney, drawn a chalk painting or danced with penguins in his life.  He's more like the dad on Full House.  Oh, you've never seen that show?  How about Homer Simpson Billy Ray Cyrus on Hannah Montana without the guitar playing, the singing, the goatee....   Get the picture?

I am not persistently cheerful.  I do not smile and speak in calm soothing tones while asking you politely, yet firmly to stop spinning the chair like a top.  I'm going to yell, cry and shriek my way through an adult sized temper tantrum if you spin that chair just one more freakin time.

Let's just say I am more likely going to be compared to the wicked witch in Hansel and Gretel than Mary Poppins.  Just be grateful I am on a diet.