; window.dataLayer = window.dataLayer || []; function gtag(){dataLayer.push(arguments);} gtag('js', new Date()); gtag('config', 'UA-6252405-9'); In the Mommy Trenches: I DON'T WANNA BE RESPONSIBLE!

Tuesday, June 1, 2010


I hold the threads in the family. 

And by that I mean that I am the one who has to keep track of the birthdays, plan playdates, meals and family outings.  I am the one who sorts and organizes all the laundry, keeping a running list of what each child is going to need in my head, the mender of and fixer of everything from broken toys, bruised knees and torn jeans.  I am the one who is supposed to remember phone numbers and somehow know exactly where E sat her stuffed puppy down. 

Can I tell you something?  I don't like it.  I don't want to be responsible for everything. 

Is it stupid crazy that I can't stand it when my husband asks me to tell him our friend's phone number EVERY time he calls them.  The # is on the fridge.  He's too lazy to look.  No matter what it is that I am doing, I have to stop and rattle off the numbers for him.  It drives me crazy.

I don't want to be responsible for planning every meal.  I'm out of ideas people.  I'm living in a veritable cuisine dry land.  I try and sit back and make it so he has to come up with lunch on the weekend but guess what? He doesn't bite. HAH.  He hems and haws and looks in the freezer, the cupboards, the fridge and then gives up.  Enter mom who breezes in, whips up a bunch of sandwiches, cucumbers, carrots and grapes and voila the kids are fed. 

As for birthdays, I refuse to be responsible for his family.  Yes, I might nag him to buy a card and make the obligatory phone call but if he doesn't do it, I don't care.  It's his family.  Although, I know this ticks off his mom because she sees it as my responsibility. 

I don't want to be the hunter of toys.  If they'd put it back where it was supposed to go well... you get what I'm saying.  What's even worse is when they ask you where something is and I honestly answer that I don't know (I'm usually in the middle of cooking supper too) they freak on me.  Like I took their toy and hid it.  It DRIVES. ME. CRAZY.

And it occurred to me today, while I was cleaning the toilets that perhaps my discontent, if you will, stems from the fact that I'd like to be taken care of too.  I'd like someone to plan the meals for me, remind me to take my pills and fuss over me... just a little.  Then it occured to me that perhaps this was due to the fact that I was the baby of my family and K was the baby of his family and here we are two babies, wanting to be taken care of...only by default, I got stuck with having to take care of him because I am the woman.

Maybe there is something to this whole birth order thing.  What do you think?

Don't get me wrong.  I love being a mother and love my children very much.  I just wish the responsibility was shared more. 

ALSO, something else I need some help with figuring out.

When we first moved, my hours were cut back to two days a week and since May 1st, I've been a fulltime SAHM.  Well it seems like since we've moved, 95% of the responsibility for caring for the home, sorting and organizing etc, has fallen on me.  He even stopped making the bed until I pointed it out to him and requested that he do this one thing for me.  He's gotten better.  But really, he used to help with laundry and dishes all the time. Now it seems like all that stuff just falls on my shoulder.  He gets up from the table, leaves the dishes on the table and goes and plays with the kids.  When he comes home, he greets me and then goes and sits down.  Some times, he may even ask if I need a hand but it usually comes at the point when I'm almost done making supper.  He does help serve out the food and he does vacuum.  In fact, it seems like the only thing he is interested in doing is vacuuming.  Occasionally, he will put laundry in but it almost never makes it to the dryer never mind folded and put away.  He leaves his mail and doodads all over the place and I have to figure out what to do with it all on top of everything else. 

So my question is... do you think this is because I am no longer working outside the home and somehow even subconsciously that 's what he expects?  Really, if I told him right now that he doesn't help as much around the house he'd be floored.  When I talked to him about the bed making thing, he was very defensive and told me he made the bed all time when in reality he had made it twice since we moved. 

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to do more when, in fact, he is the one going out to work and I'm home all day with the kids?  Part of me feels like I should approach this just as I would any job but the other part of me feels that there has to be more to life than cleaning. 

If you are a fulltime SAHM, I'd love to know what your thoughts are.


  1. I work part-time but in all honesty I've only been working about 12 hours a week lately. My husband sounds like yours. He does make the bed because he sleeps in later than I do. He mows the lawn and occasionally pats the kids on the head as he passes by on his way to bed or the bathroom (his favorite hideouts). That's it.

    Oh, to top it off, he wants me to work more outside the home.

  2. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. As you've been doing more, he's been letting you do more, and it's turning into too much.

    My ex-to be sounds the same way yours does with the getting up and leaving dishes, etc. undone. It wasn't until I filed for divorce that he was able to look back and see all that crap he should have been doing. (That's not why I filed...but it was discussed during the break-up.)

    Maybe you can sit down and discuss this with him?

  3. I'm a sahm and it all pretty much falls on me.

    But, I occasionally snap b/c I NEED A BREAK, TOO.

    This mom gig is 24-7. There's no getting off work and going to go relax.

    I have to remind dh of this. Then, he will realize what's going on and give me a break.

    But, I always have to ask for it- he never realizes on his own.

  4. I know exactly how you feel. I am forever the go-to person around here and while that's fine most of the time, sometimes I just wanna be taken care of. I don't know how many times I have to say "you have two parents, consider yourself lucky and go ask your father."


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