I turn 40 today. I knew I was going to have problems with this birthday. Turning 30 was a breeze.
Turning 40; however, is not.
It seems it’s a time for reflection. And if you’re a bit of a pessimist like me, it’s when you realize all that you haven’t accomplished and probably will never now.
I told you I was pessimistic.
Of course there are a lot of good things in my life like my family but with all the stress that’s going on in that area right now, that’s not bringing the same comfort that it normally does. Especially when I’m wondering if I am going to survive raising E.
The hardest thing was deciding what I wanted to do for my birthday. How do you tell your family that what you really want is a weekend away at the beach…. by myself. Then I think about spending the money and go no, I want to see something tangible with it.
So in the end I ended up planning my own dinner party. Cause you know no one else is going to. When I told my husband, he said “Are you sure” and seems surprised. Which is so manlike cause the day was like 4 days away and he’s still saying “I don’t know what to do for your birthday”.
See how whiny I am. My mom did have us over for dinner on the weekend to celebrate and she had given me some money because she knows that “we need it”. Sure, that’s what I want for my 40th money so I can pay bills. My brother gets a trip to Vegas on his 40th but I don’t cause she can’t sit my 3 kids.
I told you I’m being extremely whiny.
Don’t get me wrong, I am totally grateful for the money. Yet, I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t want to waste it and feel it should be something special to commemorate my 40th. Nor do I want to pay bills with it. Gail Vaz Oxlade would be disappointed wouldn’t she?
The main reason I’ve elected to do a dinner party is that with my in-laws away, I have no one to sit the kids except one set of friends who I’d actually like to go out for dinner with. AND there is no way I’m taking my 3 kids to a fancy restaurant so…. it’s a dinner party at home.
The upswing is I get to plan my own menu AND I actually tackled a recipe for a chocolate torte that I’ve been drooling over for 20 years. Yes, really 20 years. When I first moved out on my own my mother gave me this dinner party cookbook. It’s big and fancy and talks about planning down to the smallest detail. I’ve had the pages of things I’d like to make bookmarked ever since I got it. Hopefully when I put it all together, I will remember to take a photo to post tomorrow. Hopefully too, it will taste as good as it looks.
So I’m hoping that by putting words to paper, I can get it all out of my system and move on and make the most of today. After all, as my dad said to me when we were leaving their house Sunday,
“It’s just another day.“
So true Dad, so true.
*Photo courtesy of Birthday Cakes Centre. Check them out for great birthday cake ideas.*
Birthdays are such a raw thing as we get older. I think we all want people to make the same fuss they did when we were little, but no one does and so it's always disappointing. This year, my husband had a particularly hard one and that brought out anger and sadness about birthdays past. This year it was toddler puke and emergency room visits and bloody stools in addition to four hours on the road, but what was making him sad was that his mom didn't call and a few years ago I planned a party for him and no one came.
ReplyDeleteHope you have a great birthday celebrating this milestone in your life with those nearest and dearest to you!
ReplyDeleteYou know, sometimes we need to whine it out don't we? Enjoy the day, buy something (even small) fun and indulge in some self care!
ReplyDeleteHope you can capture a little something special to make your day!
ReplyDelete